Today is the last day of this life. Tomorrow starts the beginning of that transformation into the skinny me… for the last time… I hope. One thing I know I’m good at is losing weight. The memories that pop up on Facebook are a constant reminder of how many times I’ve lost the weight – just to gain it back all over again.
I look at the thin people in my life and wish that I could just wake up tomorrow skinny. I know I wouldn’t screw it up again. Maintaining that weight would be easy.
Ummm…. that may be true in someone else’s world. But, so far, I’ve proven myself time and time again of being incapable of keeping it off. So, once again, with the new year around the corner, I am at Ground Zero… the day before I start losing weight.
Don’t get me wrong. I have also failed many attempts to lose weight. I have tried just about every diet out there. But, this time, I know I will succeed. I have to. I have dug myself in a bigger hole than ever before – a whopping XXX pounds. I am ashamed. I wear baggy clothes. I hide my naked body even from myself. I am gross. This is not what I want to be.
So, tomorrow is Day 1. It is the beginning of the end: ending the emotional attachment to food, ending my love affair with Costco pizza, ending the back & forth within my own head, ending of changing every other aspect of my life except my weight, ending the excuses, and ending all of this damn fat.
Day 1 is also the starting line for a very long, difficult marathon. I’ve run a marathon (during one of those skinny years), and I know it’s not only about the race but more so all of the training you’ve done to prepare for it. But, I am REALLY out of shape mentally and physically. So, Day 1 will be a new start: starting to accept my faults, starting to keep going even when I fail, starting to eat the nutrition I preach to others, starting to ignore others’ opinions of who I am and how I live, starting to find ways to celebrate without food, starting to focus my energy on creating more, starting Jillian Michael’s first workout DVD (again), starting to pay attention to how I look and feel, and starting to find me again under all of this blubber.
I know others have bigger hills to climb than me. I am truly thankful for all of the blessings in my life. But, this hill has turned into my mountain – I think about my weight more times a day than I care to admit. I am obsessing over it, yet doing nothing about it. Tomorrow, I start climbing.
My promises I must make to myself: celebrate the small successes along the way, keep going even when I fail, don’t beat myself up when I do screw up, and just keep going. This mountain is so high, I can’t even see the top through the clouds. But, I will start my journey along the narrow path straight toward the summit tomorrow.
Heaven help me. I am afraid.