The Data Doesn’t Lie?

Today is Day 110. I have been on this journey of “weight loss” for 110 days. And… I have lost a grand total of 12 pounds. Yep! 12. Before I have a mental breakdown and wallow in my misery and self-deprecation, let’s look at the data – wait, no. The data says 12 pounds. Let’s look at the journal entries… more subjective, but effective in this case. I have gained so much self-awareness and opened my mind up to new ways of thinking. I have grown emotionally and psychologically these 110 days. I know what I want, and I know that I am capable of getting it.

Yesterday, I decided. Today is the day that I start being that person I always wanted to be. No more waiting around for her to appear. This is it. I choose me – the new me. The rule book has not been written yet. But, reaching my goals is no longer optional. I’m also meeting myself where I am… not where my ideal, fantasy me lives. I ate a black bean burger and peas for dinner… with 4 yeast rolls and ice cream for dessert. Will that help me lose weight? It sure the heck will! My brain was telling me to go get fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and rolls. I just saved myself a lot of calories and mental turmoil over it.

Every choice. Every day. It is my future to take. Now, to work on that data…

Journey #190 – Goal Setting

Day 12

I’ve been listening to several motivational podcasts to keep my momentum in the right direction. By no coincidence, I’m sure, many are talking about my plan for myself in 2018… not a resolution, a goal. What do I want to accomplish by this time next year, and what is my plan to achieve it?It is funny to me that I have never done this before… I mean, why not? I set goals every year at work. In my personal life, I set trendy resolutions that I may or may not do. I know people tend to achieve what they focus on… what they write down and commit to doing. It just never occurred to me to do it with personal goals.So, 2018 has already begun, but here it goes anyway…


(You’re supposed to speak about it as if it has already happened…)

1. I am thin. I am healthy. I am maintaining the weight loss that I accomplished earlier this year. I feel better than I have in years. I am grateful for this year of focusing on my weight and habits. So many doors will open for me this next year because of the mental changes I have made this year.

2. How did I achieve this weight loss and maintenance?

3. I became a #PNPgroupie (“Losing 100 Lbs with Phit-n-Phat” Podcast).

4. I found other motivational podcasts that helped develop my new mindset.

5. I started small… and celebrated my successes.

6. I learned to journal and write down all of my food (and more importantly, notes about when and why I was eating).

7. I learned to stop counting calories and start eating only when I was hungry.

8. I made better food choices and planned my meals and treats each week.

9. I food prepped like a crazy woman to maintain sanity during our hectic week schedule!

10. I drank my water every day. It became my “Go To” drink instead of soda.

11. I found a workout routine that I fit into my schedule that wasn’t overwhelming but was effective.

12. I set a daily alarm for bedtime each week day. Because, if I didn’t go to bed on time, I had a hard time getting up and working out.

13. I didn’t beat myself up or quit when I screwed up. I simply journaled about it to release any feelings of guilt, etc. I promised myself this was my year to succeed and reminded myself often.

14. I chose to establish lifelong habits this time instead of dieting. It may have taken me longer to lose it, but it is how I’ve maintained this rockin’ body!


So, there it is folks… there is my commitment (and my challenge) for this new year. Now, it is time to make it happen.

I’ve got this!

Journey #190 – Self-Esteem Queen

Day 3

Today, I was challenged with an interesting insight into myself. I have almost always let others dictate my self-esteem… my worthiness as a human being. Crap in my past started this extremely detrimental path that I walked for most of my life. Recently, I dealt with the crap. The reward was a sense of release and freedom – no longer letting those things control me and how I felt about myself any longer. For a long while, I was full of confidence and really didn’t give a rat’s ass what anyone thought about me. I was proud to be me- even with all my flaws.

But, without me noticing, those few, judgmental coworkers started eating away at my new found confidence with their underhanded, tacky “compliments” over the last few months.

Yesterday, I went shopping by myself. I recently cut and bleached my hair. That, along with my weight, made me an insecure, young preteen all over again. I watched everyone that looked at me as I passed by. I watched my reflection in the store windows. EVERY, SINGLE THOUGHT going through my head was negative. “They are staring at me, because my hair looks stupid.” “They think I am fat and ugly.” “OMG, my reflection is hideous!” Etc, etc, etc…

What the heck?! What happened to that confident 45 year old woman who had finally found strength from within? She, evidently, is on a vacation… leaving the insecure one in charge.

So, the lesson I learned today: it’s a process. I am not perfect; I never will be. Even if I’m at my ideal weight and my hairstyle is featured in Vogue, that insecure girl can take over at any time. She has before… I’ve lost all the weight before (more than once).

I remember the comment ONE PERSON made to me many years ago that sent me back spiraling down this path of self-sabotage. In retrospect, it was a very stupid comment. I doubt she even remembers saying it. But, I allowed it to take over my entire existence at the time.

But, I say “No more!” I can’t change those judgmental, life-sucking, gossiping women. I can only control how I react to them. It is hard. I am dreading going back to work and seeing one individual in particular. So, that means I’m already letting her get to me and influence my self-esteem , and I haven’t even seen her yet. But, it is a process… and I will win in the end.

July Inspiration

In an article posted on Thought Catalog, this was my horoscope which is spot on and beautifully written!

“It’s difficult to mask your impatience when it comes to personal reinvention. You’ve been waiting for so long to feel this free and susceptible to the world, you want your skin to pick up its pace: shed and regrow into something that feels more like a home and less like a body. You’re forgetting that everything meaningful takes time to reach its zenith. You know, you deserve something that doesn’t bite back when you try to feed it. And this time the universe is actually attempting to give you that. Good things are here, embrace them.”

So, I’ll keep plugging on – knowing the universe has got my back.

-AC

Run, Attie, Run

I did it! I ran one mile today and did NOT die!  That is so encouraging, and I am hopeful that I won’t be too sore tomorrow, so I can do it again.

The first 1/2 of the mile was difficult.  My body was not in rhythm with my breathing.  Everything was awkward. But, by the half way mark, my body and mind found their pace and I actually enjoyed my run (albeit for 12 minutes).  I add that check to the win column!

Bonus… after I got home, my 11 year old son, David, wanted to go for our 4 mile bike ride I had promised him.  So, after a lot of water and protein, we headed out in the 99 degree heat and met our goal! It was awesome.

If we had only added a little pool time, I could have called today a triathlon.  Maybe tomorrow.

Happy

 

It took many years and many mistakes to learn “happy”.  I was putting on a show and doing what I was told.  Until, one day, the good ol’ death card popped up on the doctor’s tarot card table, and I was reborn.  Understand, I didn’t want to change – I resisted it as long as I could.  But, in the end, I wanted to live life to its fullest.  So, I began searching for a new path.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not living the vida loca with no worries.  I’ve just learned to appreciate what I have – in the moments that they happen.

I’m still (and always) learning to be happy – with lots of struggle and raised voices along the way.  But, it sure beats the heck out of hiding and denial. I finally get it – what all those happy people are talking about.  I just had to start searching for my own happy path.