Journey #190 – Emotional Eating

Day 7

Every day, there is some new challenge… some knew struggle in my brain between the self-destructive thought processes that have been a part of me for so long and the new, “this is who I am supposed to be” thoughts that I am trying to nurture and grow.

No wonder so many people struggle with weight loss. This daily battle in my brain is exhausting. One minute, I think I have the upper hand and am making all the right decisions. The next minute, I have shoved 3 (not 1, but 3) tasty treats in my mouth and felt like crap afterwards.

Want to know why I did it? I had been food prepping for the week (my first time… the smells in the kitchen were fantastic, but I had plenty of self control and did not snack during the process). My daughter decided she would make some sausage balls – a recipe passed down from my mom. I have been eating them my entire life. I watched her make them with a little pride that the tradition of making them continues in the next generation, the oven smelled so wonderful as they baked, blah, blah, blah. I ate them for the EMOTIONAL attachment I have for this food – all the wonderful memories associated with it. Honestly, they weren’t even that tasty. But, I still ate 3 (at least I didn’t eat 30 – small win).

But, tomorrow is a new day. I will try again… and keep trying until I have figured out all of my triggers and deal with them.

3 positive things about today:

I attempted food prep.

I enjoyed sharing the kitchen with my daughter.

I learned what my trigger was this time and can avoid such a mental trap in the future.

Emotional Eating

This summer has been tough on the diet. In the summer, all routines are out the window – no bedtime, no wake up time, no meal time, no structure at all. Like most of us, I am not successful in that environment.

AND, I’m an all or nothing kind of girl. I’m either full in or falling flat on my face. When I cheat, it turns into eating every single food I’ve craved for the last 6 weeks.  When I’m following the diet, I am being praised at office visits, because my success is above average.  I can’t seem to live in that “everything in moderation” world.

It’s destroying me.  I am so disappointed in myself when I crash and burn.  I am ashamed, miserable, and a hypocrite in the eyes of my children (from my perspective, of course). My successes don’t outweigh the failures (pun intended). I have yoyo-ed for so long – 15+ years; I’m tired of it.

What has to happen for me to stop? I’ve hit rock bottom before.  I don’t want to go there again. I am getting older, and my health becomes more and more important (and harder to correct).  I’m now old enough to know I’m actually NOT invincible – a theory which plagued my youth (and caused many unnecessary, bad choices on my part).

I believe the bottom line is… I am self-destructive. It is a learned behavior I acquired when I was 14 as a coping strategy.  It has never worked for me – quite the opposite really. Yet, it is still my “go to” subconsciously.

I need to find a solution “in the moment” of weakness. I need to find my own inner strength that I admire in so many of you. It’s time.