Journey #190 – Self-Esteem Queen

Day 3

Today, I was challenged with an interesting insight into myself. I have almost always let others dictate my self-esteem… my worthiness as a human being. Crap in my past started this extremely detrimental path that I walked for most of my life. Recently, I dealt with the crap. The reward was a sense of release and freedom – no longer letting those things control me and how I felt about myself any longer. For a long while, I was full of confidence and really didn’t give a rat’s ass what anyone thought about me. I was proud to be me- even with all my flaws.

But, without me noticing, those few, judgmental coworkers started eating away at my new found confidence with their underhanded, tacky “compliments” over the last few months.

Yesterday, I went shopping by myself. I recently cut and bleached my hair. That, along with my weight, made me an insecure, young preteen all over again. I watched everyone that looked at me as I passed by. I watched my reflection in the store windows. EVERY, SINGLE THOUGHT going through my head was negative. “They are staring at me, because my hair looks stupid.” “They think I am fat and ugly.” “OMG, my reflection is hideous!” Etc, etc, etc…

What the heck?! What happened to that confident 45 year old woman who had finally found strength from within? She, evidently, is on a vacation… leaving the insecure one in charge.

So, the lesson I learned today: it’s a process. I am not perfect; I never will be. Even if I’m at my ideal weight and my hairstyle is featured in Vogue, that insecure girl can take over at any time. She has before… I’ve lost all the weight before (more than once).

I remember the comment ONE PERSON made to me many years ago that sent me back spiraling down this path of self-sabotage. In retrospect, it was a very stupid comment. I doubt she even remembers saying it. But, I allowed it to take over my entire existence at the time.

But, I say “No more!” I can’t change those judgmental, life-sucking, gossiping women. I can only control how I react to them. It is hard. I am dreading going back to work and seeing one individual in particular. So, that means I’m already letting her get to me and influence my self-esteem , and I haven’t even seen her yet. But, it is a process… and I will win in the end.

My Plan to Take Over the World

Since school is about to begin, I have had no time to even think about my blog. My 12 year old  son, wbo enjoys reading the tall tales I sometimes write, thought he could help me out by becoming a guest blogger. Watch out world! I give you the mind of David (and forgive me for all the 💩). 

My plan to take over the world:
When I die, I’m going to be cremated and be spead across the horizon until I land in grass. 

I will be eaten by a cow then pooped out. I will then become fertilizer for more grass to grow. Then, I will become the grass. 

I will get eaten by another cow, named Betsy, to then be made into milk. 

I will be drunk by a guy named Ben. He then poops me out, because the milk didn’t react well wih the gas station noodles he ate earlier.

From the sewer, I enter the ocean and become a flesh eating bactieria. 

So, I kill abunch of fish, and then enter a water reservoir. 

I enter people drinking the water and kill a bunch of people. I spread across the world killing every living thing on earth. 

Then, I go into outer space and wipe out all life in existence!

The End


In case you haven’t read Wonder, read it.  It is a must for all human beings and a great reminder of how to be a good one.


We all deserve happiness.  But, my happiness may come in a different package than your happiness.  Even if I don’t appreciate your package, that does not give me the right to rip your package to shreds.  I sometimes forget… we all do. So, with school starting back up, please remind your babies and yourselves to simply be kind to one another.

As I’m writing this, I got a text that a friend died by suicide this morning.  He was facing a rough divorce, losing his girls, and being the victim of nasty comments on Facebook. I don’t know what else he may have been going through, but the social media bashing shouldn’t have a place in this world.  My heart is broken for him and his girls.

Please, be kind to one another.  I hugged this friend and said goodbye to him yesterday – never in a million years did I guess it would be the last time.




All That Blood

“All that blood looks really good on you. It brings out your eyes,” said Attie.

“Mom, you are weird. This is not exactly the look trending right now at my high school, “ retorted Ellie as she wiped away the massive amounts of blood.

“Oh, honey. You need to embrace the cup half full mentality. Always look for the positive in a situation,” her mother encouraged.

Stating the obvious, Ellie looked into her mother’s eyes. “Mom… I’m covered in blood.”

Attie swiftly began tidying up, with the elegance of Mary Poppins. “Sweetie, sometimes we have to make choices in life. They are not always easy. This is the life I chose for us. It may not be popular or trendy….”

“…. or ethical….” Ellie interjected.

“Hey now…” Attie paused for reflection. “ I have high moral standards and am very particular about the jobs I take.”

“We take…” Ellie reminded her.

Attie picked the leg that Ellie had carelessly discarded. “ I take. You just happen to be a fabulous apprentice! You have a little glitter on your right cheek, honey.”

Ellie looked in the mirror. “I’m pretty sure that’s brain matter, “ she corrected.

“Hhmmm. So it is,” Attie conceded. She continued shoving tools in her Gucci handbag. “It’s quite shiny. Could you please help clean up a little faster? We are a bit short on time here.”

Ellie looked around the room at the mess. .“Well, if that lady hadn’t gotten a chance to use her cell phone…”

“Now. Now. Positive, sparkling, shiny thoughts, please!” Attie exclaimed. “ No one wants to be around a Debbie Downer, you know. Your eyes really are quite lovely in this light – almost emerald, I’d say.”

“MOM!” Ellie was exhausted after all she had done. She wasn’t in the mood for her mother’s Mary Poppins attitude, but she glanced in the mirror. Mom was right. Her eyes did look quite magnificent – if you liked all that blood and gore splashed across her cheeks.

Attie circled, as she often did after a job. “Right! Right! Focus on the task at hand. Speaking of which, can you give me that hand (pun intended)?” Attie began giggling like a school girl.

“You really aren’t normal, mom,” Ellie said as she passed her mom the meaty chunk.

“… and you take after me quite brilliantly if I do say so myself.” Ellie gave Attie a look only a 14-year-old could produce. “WHAT?” her mother exclaimed. “ You do! Do you know how much skill it takes to use a knife like that? It is a true art form… and it affords us a life of comfort, and you deserve that, my sweet, precious girl!” Ellie knew her mom was right on that account. Although this life wasn’t always easy, it did pay for lots of Disney Cruises – Ellie’s favorite way to travel.

Ellie checked the room. “Can we just get out of here? I think I cleaned up the last of the blood. This is such a messy job.”

Attie shook her head in agreement. “Ah, but someone has to do it, my love. Life is full of necessary evils, and we are just the girls for the job!”

Ellie grabbed her bag of tools. “Sometimes, truth is stranger than fiction.”

Attie shut the door behind them as they walked out into the brightness of the midday sun. “And… sometimes truth is confused with the delivery of justice, my sweet angel. Let’s get out of here.”

“Thanks for taking me to the audition, Mom,” Ellie said as she opened her car door.

Attie started the engine. “Of course, honey! All of your work in Special Effects and Acting are paying off! Shall we take the next cruise to Hawaii, you think?”

Ellie smiled. She could smell the surf and sea already. It was going to be a great summer.

Emotional Eating

This summer has been tough on the diet. In the summer, all routines are out the window – no bedtime, no wake up time, no meal time, no structure at all. Like most of us, I am not successful in that environment.

AND, I’m an all or nothing kind of girl. I’m either full in or falling flat on my face. When I cheat, it turns into eating every single food I’ve craved for the last 6 weeks.  When I’m following the diet, I am being praised at office visits, because my success is above average.  I can’t seem to live in that “everything in moderation” world.

It’s destroying me.  I am so disappointed in myself when I crash and burn.  I am ashamed, miserable, and a hypocrite in the eyes of my children (from my perspective, of course). My successes don’t outweigh the failures (pun intended). I have yoyo-ed for so long – 15+ years; I’m tired of it.

What has to happen for me to stop? I’ve hit rock bottom before.  I don’t want to go there again. I am getting older, and my health becomes more and more important (and harder to correct).  I’m now old enough to know I’m actually NOT invincible – a theory which plagued my youth (and caused many unnecessary, bad choices on my part).

I believe the bottom line is… I am self-destructive. It is a learned behavior I acquired when I was 14 as a coping strategy.  It has never worked for me – quite the opposite really. Yet, it is still my “go to” subconsciously.

I need to find a solution “in the moment” of weakness. I need to find my own inner strength that I admire in so many of you. It’s time.

Taco Tuesday Spiced Up!

Since eating so many tacos piled with cheese has helped me increase my weight, I need a replacement (food or activity – anything really) every, single week.  My entire family loves Taco Tuesday, so I can either be depressed and deprived every Tuesday until this weight is gone, or celebrate Taco Tuesday in a different way!

This weeks’s celebration:

You could buy the pre-made packages of spices for your tacos.  Or, you can mix a jar of your own.  I do love this recipe from – it makes enough for several months of taco (beef or chicken) goodness!  Add as much as you like to cooked meat and, simmer for 5 minutes. If you want it a little hotter, add a little more chili powder.

Mix ingredients together:

1/4 cup Chili Powder

1/4 cup Cumin Powder

1 tablespoon Garlic Powder

2 tablespoons Onion Powder

1 teaspoon Oregano Leaf

1 teaspoon Paprika

1 tablespoon Sea Salt

1 teaspoon Ground Pepper

Score for this week’s Taco Tuesday:

9 out of 10

It’s the Little Things

These are 10 moments in life that truly take my breath away, leaving my happy… and insanely full of gratitude for this amazing life I lead:

#10  I adore beautiful handwriting.  I appreciate those who can write each letter with sheer perfection and harmoniously combine them to form words.  It is an artistic talent of architects and calligraphers alike.

#9  We are building a house.  To see progress being made brings me true joy.  Today, I was giddy over putting up a mailbox.  Yes, it is weird even in my eyes to be elated by a mailbox.

#8  Creating… signs, presents, cards, water bottles, whatever my imagination allows.  Using my Cricut helps me to get it just the way I want it (like those perfect fonts that I can’t create with my own hands, or a perfectly symmetrical circle).

#7  I crave that feeling of freedom that comes with running.  It usually takes about a mile for it to kick in.  Then, I feel like I could just keep running and never, ever stop.

#6  As a teacher, watching a student’s face light up after they accomplish something they didn’t think they could do is amazing; it is magical to see (and the reason I love my job).

#5  Sand between my toes and a warm ocean breeze kissing my cheeks is an ideal setting for happiness.  The cool ocean water refreshes me after the warm sun soaks into my pores – down to my very soul.

#4  Waking up sandwiched between a soft, plump cat and a sweet, cuddly black lab is a dream come true.  The love of my pets is unconditional and makes my heart happy.

#3  The strong arms of my adoring husband wrapped around me brings comfort and peace like no other.  I will always be safe in his arms.

#2  The genuine, exuberant, belly laugh of my son is contagious.  I am not able to hold in my own laughter when I hear his joy simply exploding from his small body.

#1  To watch my daughter perform on stage is the ultimate magic and the most magnificent feeling in my heart.  Sometimes, teenagers can be distant, but to see her up there on that stage is to see her very soul shining through the darkness.  She is a beacon to show us the way home.

What makes you this happy?

New York City

Let’s take a trip… down memory lane.  Our family’s favorite memories come from our travels.  Here are just a few.

My daughter and I travelled to New York this summer. It was absolutely an amazing, humbling experience – one I would recommend wholeheartedly.
There is no way I could live there – too many people. But, Elizabeth found her niche. These people of New York appeal to her sense of style and value.

Attie (the Mom): I can't pick just one favorite. I loved the Statue of Liberty, the 9/11 Memorial, Broadway, Time Square, NBC studios, the Empire State Building, and many, many more!

Elizabeth (the Big Sister): My favorite part of the trip was the Broadway shows. We saw Anastasia and Dear Evan Hanson.

What’s Inside My Head?

I have always laughed that all the worrying I do would cause some sort of damage to my brain. You know, anxiety induced tumors or something. Because, then I need to
worry about that as well.

It was all fun and games until I found a bump on the back of my neck. I went to my doctor, and he ordered a full battery of tests. I’ll stop you from worrying right now. There was no tumor.

Instead, the doctors found something much more incredible and unexplainable. There is a pill-sized piece of something lodged between by brain and skull.

The doctors aren’t exactly sure what it is or how it got there (other than it probably has metallic properties since it showed up on X-rays). There is nothing in my medical history to suggest any sort of past injury that would have lodged an unknown object into my skull.

And… they can’t remove it since it seems to be fusing to my skull.

Diagnosis: (and this is no joke) it is a UFO – unidentified fused object.

The doctors have prescribed more testing partnered with constant monitoring.

So, I’m less than thrilled to become their new test subject, and now, I am beyond stressed out over what is in my head and how it got there.

I’ll keep you updated on their findings.