Day 40: The Struggling Dichotomy

THIS! This is how I feel almost every single day – a struggling dichotomy. One minute I feel like a beautiful princess… the next, an ugly witch- frightened of my own reflection. Most of the time, I am living a good life of the princess – my inner peace exuding through every pore. I make choices that lead me toward my goals. I am “being the change” I want to see in the world, and I am happy and content.

Then, with little warning, this visibly wounded victim surfaces. The witch is a hypocrite. She finds excuses for all the things she can’t do – laying blame anywhere but on herself. She is angry, and she is destructive. The witch will judge others to lift herself up, and she will sabotage any plans laid by the princess. And, she will hang on to the control of the body as long as she can.

One step forward, two steps back…

The truth is, the princess is used to losing the battle. The witch has been in control most of their lives. The princess is even the one that created the witch many, many years ago as a defense mechanism during the dark ages of the kingdom. She relied on her so much for a while, that the witch gained power and control. Eventually, the princess wasn’t around much. I don’t think she even knew she existed any more.

But, one day, the princess awoke from a long, long sleep. She realized what a mess the witch had made… in fact, she almost destroyed the entire kingdom with her destructive ways. The princess took back control, and locked the witch away where she couldn’t harm anyone else.

But, eventually, life started throwing punches, and the newly awoken princess still didn’t have the skills to duck and dodge. So, she would let the witch out to punch back then tuck her away back in her cell. Although it worked for a little while, the witch began gaining control again- manipulating the princess with her malicious whispers of untruths.

The princess worked very hard to learn the skills she needed to handle conflict so that she could once and for all be rid of the witch’s control. She tried throwing water on her, but it turns out her witch can swim.

Most days now, the princess doesn’t hear from the witch as much. But, when the princess is exhausted or faced with a difficult situation, the witch busts out of her chains and ensues with destruction. Except, now all of the witch’s hate is aimed at the princess herself. Her sabotage turned inward. Because, if the witch can’t be in control, she will do her best to destroy them both.

The princess knows she is winning this war but not always the battles. It would be so much easier if she could just send the witch away – never to return (maybe to the land of flying monkeys so the witch could have some friends). But, the witch is a part of her – so, she must find a place for her in the kingdom. The witch too can be a contributing member of the kingdom in the right job setting… she just doesn’t get to sit on the throne anymore.

Journey #190 – Goal Setting

Day 12

I’ve been listening to several motivational podcasts to keep my momentum in the right direction. By no coincidence, I’m sure, many are talking about my plan for myself in 2018… not a resolution, a goal. What do I want to accomplish by this time next year, and what is my plan to achieve it?It is funny to me that I have never done this before… I mean, why not? I set goals every year at work. In my personal life, I set trendy resolutions that I may or may not do. I know people tend to achieve what they focus on… what they write down and commit to doing. It just never occurred to me to do it with personal goals.So, 2018 has already begun, but here it goes anyway…

(You’re supposed to speak about it as if it has already happened…)

1. I am thin. I am healthy. I am maintaining the weight loss that I accomplished earlier this year. I feel better than I have in years. I am grateful for this year of focusing on my weight and habits. So many doors will open for me this next year because of the mental changes I have made this year.

2. How did I achieve this weight loss and maintenance?

3. I became a #PNPgroupie (“Losing 100 Lbs with Phit-n-Phat” Podcast).

4. I found other motivational podcasts that helped develop my new mindset.

5. I started small… and celebrated my successes.

6. I learned to journal and write down all of my food (and more importantly, notes about when and why I was eating).

7. I learned to stop counting calories and start eating only when I was hungry.

8. I made better food choices and planned my meals and treats each week.

9. I food prepped like a crazy woman to maintain sanity during our hectic week schedule!

10. I drank my water every day. It became my “Go To” drink instead of soda.

11. I found a workout routine that I fit into my schedule that wasn’t overwhelming but was effective.

12. I set a daily alarm for bedtime each week day. Because, if I didn’t go to bed on time, I had a hard time getting up and working out.

13. I didn’t beat myself up or quit when I screwed up. I simply journaled about it to release any feelings of guilt, etc. I promised myself this was my year to succeed and reminded myself often.

14. I chose to establish lifelong habits this time instead of dieting. It may have taken me longer to lose it, but it is how I’ve maintained this rockin’ body!

So, there it is folks… there is my commitment (and my challenge) for this new year. Now, it is time to make it happen.

I’ve got this!

Journey #190 – Emotional Eating

Day 7

Every day, there is some new challenge… some knew struggle in my brain between the self-destructive thought processes that have been a part of me for so long and the new, “this is who I am supposed to be” thoughts that I am trying to nurture and grow.

No wonder so many people struggle with weight loss. This daily battle in my brain is exhausting. One minute, I think I have the upper hand and am making all the right decisions. The next minute, I have shoved 3 (not 1, but 3) tasty treats in my mouth and felt like crap afterwards.

Want to know why I did it? I had been food prepping for the week (my first time… the smells in the kitchen were fantastic, but I had plenty of self control and did not snack during the process). My daughter decided she would make some sausage balls – a recipe passed down from my mom. I have been eating them my entire life. I watched her make them with a little pride that the tradition of making them continues in the next generation, the oven smelled so wonderful as they baked, blah, blah, blah. I ate them for the EMOTIONAL attachment I have for this food – all the wonderful memories associated with it. Honestly, they weren’t even that tasty. But, I still ate 3 (at least I didn’t eat 30 – small win).

But, tomorrow is a new day. I will try again… and keep trying until I have figured out all of my triggers and deal with them.

3 positive things about today:

I attempted food prep.

I enjoyed sharing the kitchen with my daughter.

I learned what my trigger was this time and can avoid such a mental trap in the future.

Journey #190 – Self-Esteem Queen

Day 3

Today, I was challenged with an interesting insight into myself. I have almost always let others dictate my self-esteem… my worthiness as a human being. Crap in my past started this extremely detrimental path that I walked for most of my life. Recently, I dealt with the crap. The reward was a sense of release and freedom – no longer letting those things control me and how I felt about myself any longer. For a long while, I was full of confidence and really didn’t give a rat’s ass what anyone thought about me. I was proud to be me- even with all my flaws.

But, without me noticing, those few, judgmental coworkers started eating away at my new found confidence with their underhanded, tacky “compliments” over the last few months.

Yesterday, I went shopping by myself. I recently cut and bleached my hair. That, along with my weight, made me an insecure, young preteen all over again. I watched everyone that looked at me as I passed by. I watched my reflection in the store windows. EVERY, SINGLE THOUGHT going through my head was negative. “They are staring at me, because my hair looks stupid.” “They think I am fat and ugly.” “OMG, my reflection is hideous!” Etc, etc, etc…

What the heck?! What happened to that confident 45 year old woman who had finally found strength from within? She, evidently, is on a vacation… leaving the insecure one in charge.

So, the lesson I learned today: it’s a process. I am not perfect; I never will be. Even if I’m at my ideal weight and my hairstyle is featured in Vogue, that insecure girl can take over at any time. She has before… I’ve lost all the weight before (more than once).

I remember the comment ONE PERSON made to me many years ago that sent me back spiraling down this path of self-sabotage. In retrospect, it was a very stupid comment. I doubt she even remembers saying it. But, I allowed it to take over my entire existence at the time.

But, I say “No more!” I can’t change those judgmental, life-sucking, gossiping women. I can only control how I react to them. It is hard. I am dreading going back to work and seeing one individual in particular. So, that means I’m already letting her get to me and influence my self-esteem , and I haven’t even seen her yet. But, it is a process… and I will win in the end.


Day 0

Today is the last day of this life. Tomorrow starts the beginning of that transformation into the skinny me… for the last time… I hope. One thing I know I’m good at is losing weight. The memories that pop up on Facebook are a constant reminder of how many times I’ve lost the weight – just to gain it back all over again.

I look at the thin people in my life and wish that I could just wake up tomorrow skinny. I know I wouldn’t screw it up again. Maintaining that weight would be easy.

Ummm…. that may be true in someone else’s world. But, so far, I’ve proven myself time and time again of being incapable of keeping it off. So, once again, with the new year around the corner, I am at Ground Zero… the day before I start losing weight.

Don’t get me wrong. I have also failed many attempts to lose weight. I have tried just about every diet out there. But, this time, I know I will succeed. I have to. I have dug myself in a bigger hole than ever before – a whopping XXX pounds. I am ashamed. I wear baggy clothes. I hide my naked body even from myself. I am gross. This is not what I want to be.

So, tomorrow is Day 1. It is the beginning of the end: ending the emotional attachment to food, ending my love affair with Costco pizza, ending the back & forth within my own head, ending of changing every other aspect of my life except my weight, ending the excuses, and ending all of this damn fat.

Day 1 is also the starting line for a very long, difficult marathon. I’ve run a marathon (during one of those skinny years), and I know it’s not only about the race but more so all of the training you’ve done to prepare for it. But, I am REALLY out of shape mentally and physically. So, Day 1 will be a new start: starting to accept my faults, starting to keep going even when I fail, starting to eat the nutrition I preach to others, starting to ignore others’ opinions of who I am and how I live, starting to find ways to celebrate without food, starting to focus my energy on creating more, starting Jillian Michael’s first workout DVD (again), starting to pay attention to how I look and feel, and starting to find me again under all of this blubber.

I know others have bigger hills to climb than me. I am truly thankful for all of the blessings in my life. But, this hill has turned into my mountain – I think about my weight more times a day than I care to admit. I am obsessing over it, yet doing nothing about it. Tomorrow, I start climbing.

My promises I must make to myself: celebrate the small successes along the way, keep going even when I fail, don’t beat myself up when I do screw up, and just keep going. This mountain is so high, I can’t even see the top through the clouds. But, I will start my journey along the narrow path straight toward the summit tomorrow.

Heaven help me. I am afraid.

My Plan to Take Over the World

Since school is about to begin, I have had no time to even think about my blog. My 12 year old  son, wbo enjoys reading the tall tales I sometimes write, thought he could help me out by becoming a guest blogger. Watch out world! I give you the mind of David (and forgive me for all the 💩). 

My plan to take over the world:
When I die, I’m going to be cremated and be spead across the horizon until I land in grass. 

I will be eaten by a cow then pooped out. I will then become fertilizer for more grass to grow. Then, I will become the grass. 

I will get eaten by another cow, named Betsy, to then be made into milk. 

I will be drunk by a guy named Ben. He then poops me out, because the milk didn’t react well wih the gas station noodles he ate earlier.

From the sewer, I enter the ocean and become a flesh eating bactieria. 

So, I kill abunch of fish, and then enter a water reservoir. 

I enter people drinking the water and kill a bunch of people. I spread across the world killing every living thing on earth. 

Then, I go into outer space and wipe out all life in existence!

The End


In case you haven’t read Wonder, read it.  It is a must for all human beings and a great reminder of how to be a good one.


We all deserve happiness.  But, my happiness may come in a different package than your happiness.  Even if I don’t appreciate your package, that does not give me the right to rip your package to shreds.  I sometimes forget… we all do. So, with school starting back up, please remind your babies and yourselves to simply be kind to one another.

As I’m writing this, I got a text that a friend died by suicide this morning.  He was facing a rough divorce, losing his girls, and being the victim of nasty comments on Facebook. I don’t know what else he may have been going through, but the social media bashing shouldn’t have a place in this world.  My heart is broken for him and his girls.

Please, be kind to one another.  I hugged this friend and said goodbye to him yesterday – never in a million years did I guess it would be the last time.




All That Blood

“All that blood looks really good on you. It brings out your eyes,” said Attie.

“Mom, you are weird. This is not exactly the look trending right now at my high school, “ retorted Ellie as she wiped away the massive amounts of blood.

“Oh, honey. You need to embrace the cup half full mentality. Always look for the positive in a situation,” her mother encouraged.

Stating the obvious, Ellie looked into her mother’s eyes. “Mom… I’m covered in blood.”

Attie swiftly began tidying up, with the elegance of Mary Poppins. “Sweetie, sometimes we have to make choices in life. They are not always easy. This is the life I chose for us. It may not be popular or trendy….”

“…. or ethical….” Ellie interjected.

“Hey now…” Attie paused for reflection. “ I have high moral standards and am very particular about the jobs I take.”

“We take…” Ellie reminded her.

Attie picked the leg that Ellie had carelessly discarded. “ I take. You just happen to be a fabulous apprentice! You have a little glitter on your right cheek, honey.”

Ellie looked in the mirror. “I’m pretty sure that’s brain matter, “ she corrected.

“Hhmmm. So it is,” Attie conceded. She continued shoving tools in her Gucci handbag. “It’s quite shiny. Could you please help clean up a little faster? We are a bit short on time here.”

Ellie looked around the room at the mess. .“Well, if that lady hadn’t gotten a chance to use her cell phone…”

“Now. Now. Positive, sparkling, shiny thoughts, please!” Attie exclaimed. “ No one wants to be around a Debbie Downer, you know. Your eyes really are quite lovely in this light – almost emerald, I’d say.”

“MOM!” Ellie was exhausted after all she had done. She wasn’t in the mood for her mother’s Mary Poppins attitude, but she glanced in the mirror. Mom was right. Her eyes did look quite magnificent – if you liked all that blood and gore splashed across her cheeks.

Attie circled, as she often did after a job. “Right! Right! Focus on the task at hand. Speaking of which, can you give me that hand (pun intended)?” Attie began giggling like a school girl.

“You really aren’t normal, mom,” Ellie said as she passed her mom the meaty chunk.

“… and you take after me quite brilliantly if I do say so myself.” Ellie gave Attie a look only a 14-year-old could produce. “WHAT?” her mother exclaimed. “ You do! Do you know how much skill it takes to use a knife like that? It is a true art form… and it affords us a life of comfort, and you deserve that, my sweet, precious girl!” Ellie knew her mom was right on that account. Although this life wasn’t always easy, it did pay for lots of Disney Cruises – Ellie’s favorite way to travel.

Ellie checked the room. “Can we just get out of here? I think I cleaned up the last of the blood. This is such a messy job.”

Attie shook her head in agreement. “Ah, but someone has to do it, my love. Life is full of necessary evils, and we are just the girls for the job!”

Ellie grabbed her bag of tools. “Sometimes, truth is stranger than fiction.”

Attie shut the door behind them as they walked out into the brightness of the midday sun. “And… sometimes truth is confused with the delivery of justice, my sweet angel. Let’s get out of here.”

“Thanks for taking me to the audition, Mom,” Ellie said as she opened her car door.

Attie started the engine. “Of course, honey! All of your work in Special Effects and Acting are paying off! Shall we take the next cruise to Hawaii, you think?”

Ellie smiled. She could smell the surf and sea already. It was going to be a great summer.

Emotional Eating

This summer has been tough on the diet. In the summer, all routines are out the window – no bedtime, no wake up time, no meal time, no structure at all. Like most of us, I am not successful in that environment.

AND, I’m an all or nothing kind of girl. I’m either full in or falling flat on my face. When I cheat, it turns into eating every single food I’ve craved for the last 6 weeks.  When I’m following the diet, I am being praised at office visits, because my success is above average.  I can’t seem to live in that “everything in moderation” world.

It’s destroying me.  I am so disappointed in myself when I crash and burn.  I am ashamed, miserable, and a hypocrite in the eyes of my children (from my perspective, of course). My successes don’t outweigh the failures (pun intended). I have yoyo-ed for so long – 15+ years; I’m tired of it.

What has to happen for me to stop? I’ve hit rock bottom before.  I don’t want to go there again. I am getting older, and my health becomes more and more important (and harder to correct).  I’m now old enough to know I’m actually NOT invincible – a theory which plagued my youth (and caused many unnecessary, bad choices on my part).

I believe the bottom line is… I am self-destructive. It is a learned behavior I acquired when I was 14 as a coping strategy.  It has never worked for me – quite the opposite really. Yet, it is still my “go to” subconsciously.

I need to find a solution “in the moment” of weakness. I need to find my own inner strength that I admire in so many of you. It’s time.